JP, Rasher and Mono were socially distanced at the bar. This was their last night of ‘illegal’ drinking before the phase three easing of the Covid restrictions allowed bars to re-open.
Donleavy was busy readying everything for the ‘re-opening’. For a big man it never ceased to amaze how quickly he could cover the ground from one end of the bar to the other. In the twinkling of an eye he was in front of the three amigos.
“Well lads. Enjoyin’ them pints?”
They raised their glasses in unison. For some reason there was a bit of a malevolent look in Donleavy’s eye.
“We’ll have a bit of extra fun tomorrow to celebrate phase three of the Covid roadmap, wont we lads?”
The boys nodded but it felt a little like the fun was a mandatory exercise.
“And when someone asks when was the last time you were in this pub for a pint – what will ya say?”
Rasher started to speak but JP cut him dead in his tracks.
“We will say clearly that March 15th was the last time we set foot in these premises and that it is wonderful to be back again after an absence of three and a half months.”
Donleavy started to smile. A manic smile.
“Good man JP. Full marks.”
Donleavy moved his laser gaze slowly to Rasher and then to Mono.
“And if any of ye answers any different – I swear – your shadow will never darken the door of this establishment ever again. Am I understood?”
The lads nodded and kept nodding.
With pints two meters apart our three amigos sought some comfort in their drinks.
“Jaysus, that was scary. Don’t think I’d like to meet Donleavy in a dark alley.”
“I’ll give ya a tune and ya can whistle that.”
“Jaysus. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this new normal.”
“Yeah – but I’m really lookin’ forward to getting’ back to some semblance of pub normal.”
“I know what ya mean.”
“But its not the old normal, sure its not? I mean there’ll only ever be a third of the crowd here. And we’re all only supposed to stay for ninety mins and then leave.”
JP and Rasher harrumphed in stereo.
“D’ya really think Donleavy is goin’ to throw us out after ninety minutes?”
“For feck sake – we’ve been drinking illegally in here since March – what’ya think is gonna happen overnight? D’ya think Donleavy is goin’ to climb some Mt. Moral in his sleep or somethin’?”
Our intrepid warriors went back to lessening the volume of their respective glasses with deep synchronised swallows. An air of zen calm descended that looked like it might last a reasonable length of time. Fat chance.
JP talked directly to the mirror behind the bar.
“I’m sure we are pre-programmed to screw things up before we fix them.”
Mono stared at a similar focus in the mirror and raised his glass.
“If you’re still talkin’ about the balls I made of fixin’ the young fella’s bike – then you hit that nail on the head.”
…and Rasher piped in…
“Has my missus been talkin’ about me repairin’ the washin’ machine last week?”
JP fixed his spot in the mirror again.
“No lads. Society. Society. We always seem to swing the pendulum way over before we can get it to rest somewhere in the middle.”
Rasher looked at Mono. Mono looked at Rasher. A look of perplexation was exchanged. It was Rasher who spoke.
“I haven’t a bog what you’re witterin’ on ‘bout, JP. But the dragon’s washin’ machine has no pendulum – I’d swear – and I’m pretty sure there aint no pendulum in a bicycle either.”
JP kept his focus.
“No. No. We’re on a higher plane here. I’m talkin’ gender equality, racial discrimination, LGBT acceptance, equal opportunity – all of that kind of stuff.”
Rasher looked at Mono. Mono looked at Rasher. This time it was Mono who spoke.
“Jaysus, JP – you’re gone to a different place than the front derailleur and the full load dryin’ cycle OK.
Rasher had a knotted brow of concentration before he spoke.
“I think I know what ya mean, JP. I do, I actually do.”
“And I wouldn’t doubt ya Rasher. Not for one second.”
“Nah. Ya see. I was talkin’ to the nephew there recently. The nephew that loves the smell of his own farts. The one that works in that big multi-national place, whatever it’s called. I can never ‘member. Funny name. Jaysus – can’t even ‘member what letter it starts with now.”
“Probably not critical for the conversation, Rasher, what’d’ya think?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Even if I could ‘member – probably wouldn’t be able to pronounce it proper. Anyroads – the nephew was in for a promotion, ya see. Reckons this was his time. Carpe Diem says he. He was lookin’ forward to the extra bobs. Probably had it already spent if I know the little turd. Was either in with the estate agent or down the Mercedes garage. He’s very predictable – the materialistic, narcissistic, little sewer rat.”
Mono darted into the conversation
“Woah – big words there, Rasher. Ya didn’t get them out of ‘The Beano’. And don’t hold back – tell us what ya really think of the nephew.”
JP tried to redirect.
“Is this goin’ anywhere Rasher.”
“Yeah. Yeah. What I was tryin’ to say – the nephew didn’t get the promotion. Poor little sap. But he said he’d need to be a coloured lesbian with a hump on his back to have any chance of success. Is that what you’re gettin’ at JP?”
JP took a very deep breath and slowly turned towards Rasher.
“You know Rasher – I think ya might have aced it there. Top marks.”
Mono looked a little envious.
“And just for that – the battered sausages are on me.”
Rasher smiled.
“Doesn’t get much better. Pub opens legitimately tomorrow. No more sneakin’ around the back door. And free battered sausages. Whoopee.”
“Mighty. Tell Donleavy we’re gone out through the storeroom.”
JP@Donleavy’s 