Bounce Theory

A Monday night in Donleavy’s. Quiet. Probably no more than a dozen people in the entire pub. The three lads were lined up on their stools in their usual habitat. Someone really should photograph this or paint it for posterity. JP in the middle of the three staring into the bar counter mirror. Rasher looking one direction, Mono looking the other. All seemingly staring into their own private spot in the middle distance. Perhaps it was the quietness of the pub which cascaded into this moment of contemplation? Donleavy was having a private moment of his own as no-one was calling for pints.

JP – who else? – broke the silence.

“Donleavy. A question please.”

“Sure JP. As long as its regarding alcohol or the licensed trade. I don’t know nothing about nothing else.”

“You’re too modest. You’re a barman par excellence. Therefore – you are an oracle on all humanity.”

“Jayzus JP – can I bring ya home to the missus. She should hear some of this. She thinks I got fermented by mistake from a particularly smelly bit of e.coli.“

Mono looked at Rasher. Rasher looked at Mono and shrugged.

JP interpreted.

“She says Donleavy wasn’t born – he was shat.”

“Aaaaah”, the two amigos exhaled in stereo.

Donleavy continued his ritualistic shining of pint glasses.

“So, what was the question?”

“How come you don’t have a bouncer on the door like ‘Murphy’s Pub’ down the road?”

“Haw.”

Donleavy walked up and down behind the counter laughing to himself. He finally came back down the counter to JP and putting his two hands square on the counter he looked JP in the eye to the point where they were nearly touching noses. There was a menacing look in the bar owner’s eye. JP backed away slightly. Donleavy talked without really opening his mouth.

“Does. That. Answer. Your. Question.”

Donleavy raised himself back up to his full height and walked back up the bar.

JP, Rasher and Mono exchanged searching looks. They each participated in synchronized pint swilling. Then they reached again for another synchronized swig.

“Wha’ just happened there?”

“Jayzuz, I’m not the better of tha’.”

“Do we need more porter?”

“Is the Pope a catholic?”

“Who’s goin’ to ask Donleavy?”

“Maybe we’re OK with these pints for the mo.”

Breathing and demeanor slowly returned to normal as our heroes resorted to taking girly sips from their pints rather than their more normal glass-emptying gulps.

“It’s odd thou’, isn’t it?”, JP intoned.

“Sure thing”, Rasher replied, “I didn’t know Donleavy could go feral like that in the blink of an eye.”

“No. The bouncer thing. That’s odd when ya think ‘bout it. Ya don’t have a bouncer at a restaurant or a cinema or a theater.”

The two boys took more girly sips of their pints and absorbed all this. As usual with JP he was a great man for the logic and the obvious. But where was he going with all this?

“So wha’ does a bouncer really do?”, JP looked at Mono and Rasher in turn.

There was a long-protracted silence. Eventually Mono’s brow took on a big frown and he tried his luck.

“Bounce?”

JP considered this for what seemed like an extraordinary amount of time before he launched himself again.

“Its weird when ya think ‘bout it. The bouncers keep some people from gettin’ in, throw some people who are in – out, and try stop some who are either in or out from killin’ each other.”

Rasher and Mono contemplated this.

“And ya don’t see any of this at yer Michelin star restaurant, not even yer regular McDonalds or the Abbey Theater or de Lighthouse Cinema.”

Rasher and Mono further contemplated this.

JP raised his almost empty pint glass and drained the last of it.

“Strange stuff – this porter.”

“Too right JP, will I get Donleavy to fire down some reinforcements.”

“Aye lieutenant. Better stock up – in case there’s a world shortage on the horizon.”

“And then we’ll go for a Spice Burger and a bag.”

“Sounds like a plan.”