It was a quiet midweek night in Donleavy’s pub. Donleavy has his ass propped up against the cash register. He had got tired shining glasses and was now highly engaged in extracting a particularly uncooperative particle from his nose.
The three lads – JP, Mono and Rasher – were nursing their pints. At this moment they were perched on their usual barstools – and woe betide anyone else who would be foolish enough to sit there – and they were staring into the big mirror that ran the whole length behind Donleavy’s Bar. Was each looking at his own reflection or were they looking at each other’s reflection? Hard to say. And if they were looking at each other – who was looking at who? Equally hard to say.
This went on for quite some time. Pints were actually neglected. Very unusual.
Without interrupting his stare, JP broke the spell.
“The world has gone funny.”
Mono and Rasher continued to stare straight into the mirror.
“Always was.”
“All the D’s – different day, different do-do.”
JP had enough. He switched focus. He looked down at his pint and then took a strong glug. A third of the volume disappeared. As if there had been a telepathic signal – Mono and Rasher did likewise. The spell was well broken. Animation returned.
“No – I mean it”, JP intoned, “this time it’s gone doo-lally.”
“Why, so, because?”
“Sure it’s always bonkers in one way or another.”
JP lowered another good swig of his drink and wiped his mouth clean.
“This piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.”
Rasher looked at Mono. Mono looked at Rasher. JP had definitely lost most, if not all, of his marbles this time. They both looked around to see if the lads with the wrap around white coats were coming to take JP away this time – because he had surely stepped across the mark on this occasion.
“Eh…JP…are ya OK? We’re in Donleavy’s. Havin’ a few bevvies. Are ya on any medication? Is there someone we can call for ya? Where do ya think you are?”
JP went back to staring at his reflection in the mirror.
“D’ya not remember?”
“’Member wha’?”
“John Cleese. Monthy Python. Life of Brian. Stonin’ scene for balasphemy. Usin’ the word Jehovah.”
A lightbulb went on.
“Jaysus, yeah.”
“Of course I ‘member it’”
“Jehovah. Jehovah.”
“Are there any women here?”
They all three had a good laugh. Finishing their pints, they disrupted Donleavy from his cavity searching and ordered fresh incoming.
“But it is all screwed up.”
“Wha’ ? The blasphemy laws?”
“Nah. In general. Everything is gone OTT.”
“You know ya’re right. Ya can’t fart now.”
“The pendulum is gone so hard the other way that it’s got stuck and won’t come back.”
“Ya’re on the money.”
“Ya can’t say nothin’ about nothin’ but someone will take the hump.”
“Donleavy there could get sacked just for snot searchin’.”
“Except he can’t sack himself.”
“True for ya.”
“And the women are on course to rule everythin’.”
“ME TOO. And what about the GLBFG?”
“I’m sure that doesn’t sound right…?”
“Who cares? Everytime ya’re not lookin’ they add another letter to the end of it.”
“True for ya.”
They went back to staring into the mirror.
“So wha’ are we goin’ to do about it?”
JP took out his pipe. It was clearly going to be a deep existential moment.
“I’ll tell you wha’ we’re goin’do…I will tell ya.”
Mono and Rasher hung in the air waiting for the next syllables. The air was thick with anticipation. Eventually Mono couldn’t hold out any longer.
“Wha’ are we goin’ do, JP?”
JP puffed on his pipe and then raised the glass to his lips. He placed the glass accurately in the center of the beer mat. He looked in turn at Mono and Rasher.
“This is what we are goin’ do – we’re goin’ to drink long and hard and then we’re goin’ to go for a batterburger. “
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Gotta have a plan.”
“Dead right. When the world is in crisis, you need a pocket of predictability.”
“Never said a truer word.”
“We are that reliable rock of sense.”
“True for ya’”
“Off we go, so.”
JP@Donleavy’s 